I know I'm generally morally opposed to worrying in general, especially something so in the future, so vague, so uncertain, but I'm scared of investing so much time and trust and love and then it being for nothing.
If Adam got everything he dreamt of, it would take him far away from here.  And if I followed my desires, I wouldn't be following him there.  I want to ask him if he'd really transfer to Eastman and leave me here, but that's a year or more away.  And lots of things will change in the meantime, I know.    

1. I am happy with life
2. I am happy with my personality
3. I am happy with my relationships
4. I am quite optimistic about everything

And I refuse to look forward to "oheight"

why people who used to be ( i say used to be, they still are actually, superficially, it just shows how much my opinions have changed) my friends piss me off now in such little, absurd, inane ways.
1. The thing I hate about you is your insecurity. And you can't even hide it like the rest of us, and you can't seem to publicize it like others. If you can't make your weakness your strength, or at least not so much of a liability, then you frustrate me. Take self-deprecation in stride. Take jibes in stride. You can't take anything in stride. Why are you so insecure?


here's a tidbit about me. yeah, i'll tell you i hate myself. i hate the way i look, i hate a lot of the things i do. but really, when it gets on down to the nitty gritty, i think i'm a damn fine person. i compare myself to way too high of standards all the time, but really, i know i'm a good person, i know i'm talented, i know i'm relatively intelligent, i know i can get almost anything i want because I've just been blessed with all this stuff. I'm not attributing any of it to my own doing, it's all God, for real, man, you won't hear me be openly religious a lot, but this is the crux: i like myself, i'm happy, mostly cause of my faith.




2. The thing I hate about you is your denial! Your denial! Your God-Damned DENIAL. It's even funnier because you'd probably admit to having stuff wrong with you, but you don't believe yourself. You're still convinced that because you're different, because you're wild, because you're living the way you are that you are special. Get over it honey. Being a freak doesn't make you special. Being constantly angsty doesn't endear you to anyone except your undercover emo friends.

I hate cookiecutter people. I like people who deviate. But i dislike deviation for the sake of deviation. So contrary. So shallow. It's the worst kind of non-religious hypocracy. and if you hold yourself as a god and your life as your faith, then you constantly damn yourself to hell, and it's kind of funny because you hate your life so much, and you don't know why.



3. I hate your suppression. Your suppression of yourself. You never let go. You envy me. I know you do. It's not vanity, but I know you envy me. Not all the time. A lot of the time you think i'm revolting and inane and you wonder why I get the things you want without putting forth the effort you do.
I don't know why it happens that way.

But stop pretending to not be mad.
Stop pretending that you don't care.


4. I hate that you fear me. I'm mean and I have no patience to/for people who make stupid comments. i make stupid comments too, but people rarely call me out. But if I remark on yours, you backtrack, say you're sorry, ha ha. If you're mean to me, and I say that you are, you make excuses and say it was all a misunderstanding and hate me when I'm not looking.

I don't understand this.
You don't need me.
Don't cultivate my favor while trying to hurt me.

I don't understand it.
I'm not someone whose favor needs to be cultivated anyway.
I have no posse, i have no in crowd, i have no influence, i have no power.

You know what I do? I dream until the time I can leave high school. I dream of all the things I could do. You're nowhere in my dreams. I talk a lot to fill the time.
What is your problem?

That's all for now.

Let me start off by saying Monday night was fantastic.
Let me continue by saying Tuesday was ecstallent.
Then I'll go on by saying today was lacking.

But interesting.
Last night... I really shouldn't have seen Adam. I picked the wrong day for it. Too much to do. I had to come home and spend almost 2 hour reading Hamlet. that didn't leave time for studying physics so I didn't study. On to the morrow!
Woke up late, go to school fairly early. We took a surprise placement test in stats, which was... as Alex said : "Oh let's take an Algebra II placement test because we're NOT in AP Stats and we HAVEN'T taken AP Calc or Precal. Yes let's!"
I mean. It was more fun than class, but still. Just another example (of a few more I'll get into later) of what I hate about her class. During the twenty minute break, the "drama" -- it really was more of a theatric drama than high school crap -- began to unfold. Alex and Sam were more childish than usual. Or maybe Alex was more of an asshole and Sam was a little more melodramatic. I would hate to live in their house. Sam said something that Alex construed as sarcastic and so Alex threw a book at Sam's head. Completely unwarranted, really. Overreactions galore. So eeeegh **tension**. No one ever likes to be around when Sam and Alex are fighting. Sometimes I think Alex is really the cause of all the angst, because Sam never seems to do anything to him. Alex has just got some insecurity issues that he masks over with pomposity. But that's just theory. Tim chewed Alex out Tim-style, which is disapproving, stern, in-control, and knowing. He told Alex he needed relationship help. Which Alex does. But they skirted the issue and got in an argument about something else rather miniscule, not relevant to the central issue at ALL. I just sat there and read my Hamlet. I've gotten burned enough to know not to bother with Alex. I think the fact that Tim said ANYTHING was rather bracing for Alex though.
Skimming over 2nd and 3rd (Mrs Ferrell really liked my poetry response and is going to send it in with my Duke Rec), let's go to the break where Eric, Tim, I, and co hang out after 3rd till they leave. Five minutes into it, Tim storms off after Eric makes some puns (part of Tim's daily torture). I thought he was joking, so I grabbed his bookbag for him to come back. But he slipped it off and kept walking. Everyone but Eric and I left. We were rather nonplussed. It kind of irked me. So I told Eric to leave Tim's bag there and I went outside looking for him. He was already halfway down the parking lot and I called out and told him I wasn't carrying his bag. he shrugged and kept walking. So Eric and I followed out, and I went to Tim who was stopped at his car. We went back to the CC to get his stuff together. We didn't say a whole lot. I asked him what his issue was. He said he hated life. More than usual. We eventually got into talking. For real, about all the stuff he's always depressed about, mostly not being good enough for other people, good enough for himself. We've never talked about this seriously in person. And I made the comment that he was ungrateful that he wanted more, with people thinking so wonderfully of him as it is.
"That's just it. I don't want what people think of me! It's so hypocritcal! It's not who I am"
"Tim. No one will ever see you as you see you. It's impossible. The Tim I see is a caricature of the real Tim."
"I don't want to be a caricature!"
"you can't help it. You have to try to make the best one you can."
"eh."
We subsided for a moment. And he suddenly said.
"I know that I think that because I'm short I have to be flawless at everything else"
"That's rough"
"I bet it's a complex" [[see how he tries to be funny even when things aren't?]]
"You're right"
And he kept talking. He's making a b in english. I said it's no big deal and he said his parents will get all over him if he does.
(Wow... it was weird and hypocritical for me to take the position I was in this conversation)
"And she criticizes me about every little thing. And I can't take her seriously. I don't mind my dad's criticism because he's the smartest person I know, but with her it's like... I can't take criticism from--"
"from someone you don't respect"
"yeah"
Can you see the similarities yet?
I finally said something like
"I guess you deal with it worse because you have higher standards for yourself than I do"
I hate it when i say things like that. I don't think people realize how often I put myself down, just in small ways, just in half truths, small lies that don't *really* mean anything, except the world. And it hurts me when people agree and believe.
And then i start to believe them myself.
But that's not the point this time.
Tim's not okay. But ... I don't know how to help people.
I have wished so often I did. But that's not one of my talents.
In the end... it still baffles me.
How he can be so angry, so depressed, so hateful towards life as he put it and I am not, when we are both in very similar situations? i mean... basically identical except for the fact that he has two older brothers.
But I am happy.
And he is not.
Tell me how that works, cause I don't understand.